Thou must obeyest me!
by Spawn of Sarcasm
Summary: Sleep deprived, stressed and caffeine pumped, view the world of Harry Potter through these eyes...
1. Default Chapter

HP "Thou must obeyest me, for I am the Harry Potter Lord of the Universe!!!!"

HP "Oh look we seem to be stranded in a train station.."

RW " Let's write and tell someone"

HP "No. I have a better idea! Let us take a flying car and leave our parents stranded in the train station!"

RW " Why don't we just ask if …"

HP "No! For I am Harry potter. Lord of the Universe!"

RW "Uh, Harry, don't you think it's a little odd that no-one else can hear the voices"

HP "Don't be stupid!!! It's completely normal for people to hear voices that no-one else does!"

RW "No it's not."

HP "Yes it is! I must follow the invisible voices! It is not odd in the slightest!"

RW "Then why is no-one else doing it?."

HP "That's because I'm special!!! Why else do you think I'm the only on hearing the voices!!! Stupid boy!"

HG "Harry it's very dangerous."

HP "No it's not"

HG "Black's still on the loose."

HP " I want sweets. It's perfectly acceptable to go down secretly. The fact that Black murdered lots of people and broke into Hogwarts means nothing . He'll never be able to find me. I shall be perfectly safe in a less protected place with crowds of people and weird scary things under a mouldy cloak. Far, far away from the only person who's keeping Black away. Every body is trying to keep me safe but I care not. For I am Harry Potter! Lord of the Universe!!!"

HG " Isn't that Quirrel over there talking to that man who looks suspiciously like the Dark Lord Voldemort?"

RW "Do you suppose he could be working for him?"

HP "Don't be stupid! Quirrel has a stutter .It can't be him. Honestly! The conditions I have to work under!"

HG "I think I've lost my hair brush."

HP "It must have been Snape! He's stolen it in a fiendish plan to make you have messy hair."

HG "No…I think I've just left it back in my room."

HP "That's what he wants you to think"

RW "Harry she's probably just left it back in her room."

HP "He's brainwashed you too!"

RW "No. I saw her leave it in the common room."

HP "TRAITOR! You're working for him, aren't you!"

HG "Oh look there it is Crookshanks has it."

HP " He's an animagus! Snape's the cat. It has the hairbrush. It must be stopped."

RW "Harry, don't ..." 

HP "Die Cat Die!"

_(harry violently bludgers the cat to death with the hairbrush)_

HP "Now Snape can never return and voldemort will die without his servant, hahahahah!!"(_evil laugh)_

HG "You've murdered my cat!"

RW "Shouldn't we make him show himself? You know to make sure it's Snape?"

HP "I was wondering which of you would spot that first *cough*" 

(he waves his wand and mumbles the ancient spell)

HP_ "****__turnbackyouuglyfart__"_

_(Nothing happens)_

RW "Harry I think you've just killed Crookshanks"

HP "No that was Snape, he is voldemorts evil spy and now he's dead I shall be praised above all others for I am the Lord Harry Potter and **I am invincible!!!!!"**

(_Hermionie runs away clutching the lifeless crookshanks to her damp eyes)_

HP "that's right you traitor, run back to your evil master, but noting can save his minion now!!"

RW "oh look that's Snape now, Professor, about that essay…."

_(He follows snape away to his classroom)_

HP "so you're a traitor too? Well I don't need you for I am the lord Harry potter and I have full dominion"…….

                                    ……            …….            ……            ……            ……            ……    

Later that day…

HP " I have it, I will use the passage way known only to me (and very possibly sirius black) and make my way to hogsmede to buy……….. a lollypop."

RW "Harry can you untie me now? my hands are sore"

HP "NO traitor! You must pay for your hideous crime against the might of ME!"

HG "Harry this has gone far enough!"

(_Hermionie storms in with her wand pointed straight at harry's heart. Behind her stands Dumbledore and of course Snape and McGonagall who he doesn't seem to be able to shake off)_

HP "NO! nothing can stop me now!!!  **_bigdirtysnaketius"_**

_(a large python shoots from harry's wand and heads straight for the teachers)_

Sn "**_buggeroffius" (__the snake disappears) _**

HP "NO that was trevor ….he was my friend! You'll pay for this! **_L'Orealius_**

_(Snapes hair is suddenly clean, free of dandruff and bursting with volume and life)_

Sn "AARGH! _ POTTER YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME! ****__spottyoikius" _

(Harry is hit with the ancient powerful spell, which takes an ordinary boy and transforms them into a short, spotty teenager with greasy, crappy hair, and absolutely no degree of attractiveness at all. Harry therefore remains exactly the same.)

Sn "Damn!!"

HP "And now you shall all bow to me! **_bendius downius"_**

(everyone bows down before Harry except Ron who is still tied up and so falls on his face)(Dumbledore shakes off the spell)

Dd "Enough! **Givemeyourwanditum"(He now holds Snape's and Harry's wands and everyone is upright again****)**

Dd "Harry you have once again violated over 70 school rules, recklessly endangered your own life as well as others and assaulted a teacher!. I have therefore only one option.

(_Dumbledore glares_.)

(_Snape smirks) _

Dd "You must be let off with simply a caution and be given lavish praise and a feast for the whole school.!"

_(Snape's smile somehow disappears.) _


	2. Chapter the Next One

We would like to give great thank-you to all reviewers and a big raspberry to all those who didn't.

Enjoy...

Possibly...

Maybe...

Oh for Pete's sake just read the damn thing will you!!!

The next day………… 

_A great feast has been prepared in honour of Harry and 600 points have been awarded to Gryffindor._

_Harry Ron and Hermione are sitting together._

HP: Today we have no classes thanks to the might of me!! Therefore this is the perfect chance to find the cause of those voices.

RW: Insanity?…

HP: (Not hearing Ron) Pardon?

RW: Nothing Harry.

HG: Firstly Harry, it's 5pm so we wouldn't have classes anyway, and secondly, only you can hear the voices so I don't see the point of Ron and I coming along.

HP: Shut up! We shall go for I am Harry Potter Lord of the Universe and I command you!!! Now let us go and investigate!

A few moments later

HP: I can't believe Hermione is such a traitor to mourn for me having punished the evil catSnape there was no doubt it took the hairbrush in a fiendish plan. I was right to have killed it.

RW: (pauses) Yes, Harry and you never thought it was just a little odd that he was never affected.

HP: Of course not he is an evil cunning fiendish thing...and an ugly greasy haired git I was perfectly right to have killed him.

RW: Even though he's not dead.

HP:(mutters) Amateurs...simply don't understand. Now back to investigating!!!!

RW: Ughhh....

In a random corridor, much later, a random corridor which looks oddly like the last 100 random corridors they've been down, mainly because it is in fact the same corridor. 

(Hermione has not bothered to accompany Ron and Harry, she is still in mourning for the evil catSnape that was justly dispensed a very just justice by the lord Harry Potter. For justly dispensed a very just justice by the lord harry potter read unjustly pummelled to crap by a raving loon)

HP: I, Harry Potter, Lord of the Universe, command you to show yourself!

RW: Harry it's 2.30am I'm going to bed….

HP: No, wait!! I hear something!

RW: What?!

HP: Footsteps….from over there…they sound close….they're coming round the corner now…..

(Snape appears round the aforementioned corner)

HP: Damn!

Sn: So what's your excuse this time Potter?

HP: I need no excuse for I am HARRY POTTER, LORD OF….

(Ron hits Harry then fumbles for an excuse)

RW: We were just, er…

(Harry has an idea)

HP: Checking for assassins!

(I didn't say it was a good one)

Sn: Assassins?

HP: Yes, Ron thought someone might try to assassinate me, what with me being so famous and all, so we thought we would come and check no one was trying to assassinate me!

Sn: And you really think I'm going to believe that?

HP: Yep!

(Ron despairs in the background)

RW: Professor, Harry is unwell so I was just taking him to see Madame Pomfry, come on Harry…

Sn: Not so fast Weasley, Harry is permanently delusional (most prefer to call it brain damaged,) why choose to do something about it now? No you were both out of bed after hours, you shall both serve detention and 50 points will be taken from Gryffindor.

(McGonnagall has appeared in the corridor behind Snape)

Mg: What's all this Severus?

Sn: Professor! _(To self)_ **_Every time_**… _(To McGonnagall) _These boys were out of bed so I was just taking appropriate action.

RW: But Professor McGonnagall, Harry is sick and I was taking him to the hospital wing.

Mg: Well it seems punishment is unnecessary Severus! Off you go Mr Weasley! Lucky I was here isn't it Severus!

(Snape storms off muttering)

Harry and Ron arrive at the hospital wing.

RW: Well we got out of that one pretty neatly didn't we Harry!

HP: No need to thank me Ron, I know you would have done the same for me. Assassins! Pure genius!!…..

(Ron doesn't even bother to argue)

RW: O.K. then genius boy, what do we do now?

HP: We continue searching for assassins.

RW: I shouldn't have asked….


	3. Chapter the One After the Last One

Author notes; We would like to apologize for not updating...no we wouldn't. Though we shall explain. Due to an odd period of sanity followed by a panic to complete English folios and a rather extended period of attempting not to fail standard grade exams (we'll tell you how that went when we know) we have both been rather busy.

Much later on.

RW: I told you we wouldn't find anything today.

HP: Be silent! We found out many things.

RW: Like what?

HP: No! If you're too stupid not to realise then it's your own fault

RW: ...

HP: If figured it out, the assassin it's Snape!

RW: What?

HP: Snape is the assassin.

RW; Harry we weren't even looking for an assassin

HP: Yes we were stupid boy, what else do you think we were doing prowling around in the middle of the night totally unprotected instead of looking for someone that wants to kill me!? Honestly!

RW: Harry we were looking for the voices remember?

HP: You're hearing voices now?

RW: What? No! You were!

HP: I think maybe you should go back to sleep Ron, don't worry I'll explain all of it in the  morning.

RW: Harry it is the morning. 

HP: Then I shall explain straight away, of course i knew it was the morning it was just to test whither you were really sane or not, you know with you hearing voices now and everything. As I was saying, Snape is the assassin.

RW: Right, and how do you come by this?

HP: Well my first clue was that he's a greasy haired git.

RW: Right.

HP: The second was that he doesn't like me.

RW: Uh-huh.

HP: The third was that when we were out last night looking for assassins last night, we found him! So obviously he must be the assassin! Simple logic.

RW: Uhh...

HP: And his cunning plan by which he made us tell him that we were looking for assassins, hopefully he isn't smart enough to realise that we now know he's the assassin because when we were looking for the assassins, we found him, cunning, ay?

RW:...Yes Harry.

HP: And finally now here's the rally clever and ingenious part. His name!

RW: His name?

HP: Yes, you remember that Lord Vidlemort

RW:  Voldemort.

HP: Yes, him, anyway the name Tom Malvolo Riddle makes I am Lord Voldemort.

RW: Yes...

HP: Well, if you take the name Severus Snape.

RW:_ (dubiously)_ Yes.

HP: It spells I am an assassin!

RW: Umm...

HP: Well, if you add an s and an i and another i and an m, and ignore the other letters. See! Now there is no doubt he is the assassin! Now, we only need to find out what his evil scheme is and stop him!

RW: Harry, we met McGonnagal last night to Harry, remember.

HP: We did?...I mean we did! Ahem. That must mean she's an assassin to! They must be working together to try and kill me!

RW: Why?

HP: Because I am Harry Potter! LORD OF THE UNIVERSE! Don't tempt my wrath, you allied yourself with Snape once before, don't think I've forgotten that!

RW: Harry that wasn't Snape!

HP: Deny it all you want! I know the truth. For I am Harry Potter! Lord of the Universe!

RW: Harry. I really don't' think that it's such a good idea to go looking for Snape and McGonnagal.

HP: Why not, too much of a coward?!

RW: No, I just don't think you should...uh, umm risk yourself like that.

HP: Ah, my faithful sidekick Weasel. Have no fear! I shall triumph for I am...

RW: Harry Potter, Lord of the Universe?

HP: YES!


	4. Chapter the One Precceding the Next One

Big thanks to all our reviewers!

Our new reviewers! Cari Green, A.J.H., Smudged, Evil Serpent Goddess and Els-chan!

And as always our previous reviewers, Ivory Tower, Chupaflor, max, ginga_git, ali, injabulo, fredric bodgerigart, george m, acaila.

(Harry and Ron are sitting in the potions classroom alone.)

(Hermione walks in)

Hello Ron _(Blanks Harry)_

(Harry automatically blanks the blanking)

HP: Hermione! We know who the assassin is!

HG: What?

HP: The evil assassin who so viley murdered Crookshanks!

HG: That was you.

HP: No it wasn't.

HG: Yes it was.

HP: Shut up. Anyway as I was saying, Snape is trying to kill me.

HG: Despite the fact he saved your life.

HP: That was so he could kil me instead.

HG: Despite the fact it would have been easier to let someone else do it.

HP: Shut up! Amateur.

HG: Despite the fact that Dumbledore trusts him.

HP: IT's probably just part of Dumbledores cunning plan.

HG: Despite the fact that you have no evidence at all.

HP: Yes we do! The hairbrush with which he murdered Crookshanks! The fact that he's in Slytherin which automatically makes him evil!

RW_: (sarcastically)_ Heaven knows that a quarter of the school has to be totally evil.

HP: _(fails to recognise it) _Yes! Now you're getting it Ron! And there's the fact that he has greasy hair! And that he doesn't worship me like the rest of the world does! And that he's tall, dark, mysterious and menacing in a manner that I totally don't find attractive in the slightest…

HG: Uh-huh

RW:…

__

(Snape walks in and glares)

RW: Arrrrgh we're all going to die!!!

HP: Run away run away run away

__

(Harry proceeds to run around in circles then runs straight into Snape)

HP: Arrrrggghhhhh it's him! Noooooo! Run for your lives from I shall save you for I am Harry Potter lord of the universe!!!!

__

(Harry proceeds to dance at Snape in an attempt to confuse him, then turns around and prances straight into the door.)

HG: Oh gods!

SS: I have you this time Potter! Assaulting a teacher and then a valuable door that has been here since before you were born! Door assaulting is a crime punishable by expulsion haha you are therefore…

__

(Completley randomly McGonagal walks in)

MM: What's going on here Severus?

SS: Minniflubish! Notagain!

MM: Are you quite alright?

SS: Perfectlyfineyoucompletecownowkindlybuggeroff!

RW: Umm…Professor Snape is…umm ill Professor McGonagal we were just going to call for help when the door assaulted Harry!

HP: _(On the floor, half conscious)_ Uh…uhhh…run away he's going to kill us all…mmm

MM: Well it seems as if once again even though they've been caught in an extremely dodgy and suspicious situation that is nothing to do with them and punishment isn't needed!

SS: Yes it is! They need to be punished!

HP: mmm….run run run, all dead…

__

(Dumbledore walks around the corner)

MM and SS: Professor!

__

(They explain)

AD: Hmm I see…would you like a Sherbet lemon? All can be fixed with sherbet lemons!

HP: …pretty little ferrets…

SS: What?!

MM: Albus, don't you think that…

__

(Harry wakes up, sees Dumbldore McGonagal and Snape towering over him and jumps automatically to the best phrase to use in potential trouble,)

HP: I didn't do it!

AD: I belive you Harry _(Dumbledore's eyes glitter and twinkle)_

MM: There you are Severus completely innocent!

SS: What!!!??? Ugh! _(storms off muttering)_

MM: Poor man does have issues.


	5. Chapter the One the Last One Preceeded

SS: Stupid Potter, stupid school, stupid walls, stupid unconscious cursed Longbottom, 

(Snape promptly trips over said pupil and falls straight into said wall)

SS: Damn!

AD: Ah, Severus…

(Notices Snape sprawled on the floor next to longbottom.)

AD: What the hell?

SS: Headmaster, I can explain……no I can't.

AD: Don't. Tell. Me. Just…don't.

SS:…

AD: The minister of magic is coming under no accounts must he find out that Lupin our newly appointed Dark Arts teacher who you hate and currently possess the post at the school that you want. Under no accounts must he find out that Lupin is a werewolf. It would ruin his career.

SS: Of course not headmaster, I shall ensure it doesn't happen.

AD: Good! (Dumbledore's eyes glitter and sparkle)

…

…

SS: I have something to tell you Minister.

CF: What is it Snape.

SS:  It's about Lupin, I have some information you should know.

CF: I was just off to see him.

HP: Nooo! You can't.

CF: Oh, and why not?

(Snape smirks)

SS: Yes, Potter, why not?

HG: We can't tell the minister of magic he's a werewolf, what do we do!

RW: Quick, Harry, say something inconspicuous!

HP: Erm…ahem, umm…

Fudge glares

HP: It's his time of the month!

CF: What?!

(Ron nods enthusiastically.)

(Hermione rolls her eyes.)

(Fudge looks puzzled.)

(Snape stands in awe of Harry's…sheer…brilliance…)

HP: …Yes, that's it! It's his time of the month, you know, best not to bother him.

(Ron nods enthusiastically.)

HP: …It can be very messy, you know how it is…

(Hermione despairs in the background gesturing frantically for him to shut up.)

HP: …You know if he's upset…blood stains can be murder to get out and all...

(Snape watches in great amusement as Harry enthusiastically digs himself deeper into a bottomless pit.)

CF: I see…

SS: As I was saying minister…

CF: Quite alright Snape I can figure it out for myself from that.

(Hermione despairs.)

(Snape smirks.)

CF:…However there is no law against it I'm afraid, what he…she…he…whatever Lupin is doing just…leave him be. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it.

SS: But…but…but…

CF: Good evening. (Walks off – Pauses.) You wouldn't happen to know if            Lupin has…plans for this evening would you.

(Snape's jaw hits the floor.)

(Fudge walks off again.)

SS: That's it Potter you're done for this time! 

HG: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

RW: Don't worry Harry I shall save you! (Ron quickly employs the ancient curse, one so terrible it can drive the recipient insane.)

RW: SPANDEXIFERIOUS!!!

SS: Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

(Ron's spell quickly backfires, as Snape appears before them in bright coloured spandex.)

HG: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

RW: My eyes! My eyes! It buuuuuurrnnnnnsss! It buuuuuuuurns!!!

(Ron rolls about the floor in agony.)

HG: Arrrrrrghghghghghghghghhg!

(Hermione twitches violently and collapses.)

HP: Hmmmmm….

(Harry doesn't.)

SS: What have you done to me! You will pay for this!

HP: Hmm… Nice plan Ron.

SS: WHAT???!!!

HP: …I mean…oh,no! Look what happened and…ohno! The terribleness arrghhh!

RW: (Launching himself at Harry.) I'm soooooo sorry Harry.

HP: Erm…quite all right, I think I can forgive you Ron, ahem.

(Snape and Hermione slowly back away.)

AD: (Walks in randomly.)  Severus what is going on here? … (Db looks around sees Ron lying on the floor clamped to Harry's leg and Snape clothed in spandex.)…riiiiiight…

SS: This. Isn't. What. It. Looks. Like.

AD: Hmm? Of course not. Severus I must admit I am terribly disappointed in you and me coming down here to give you the Dark Arts post and everything.

SS: Yes! Finally!

AD: …but I can't now.

SS: What???!!!

AD: Becoming a Death Eater, fair enough Snape but spandex?

SS: I told you…

AD: No, no, no. I'm sorry but it specifically states in the rulebook that no person who wares spandex may ever be given the Dark Art's post, for obvious reasons of sanity.

SS: (sarcastically) This would be the book that states that all of them must be insane or highly dangerous?!

AD: Yes, it does indeed.

SS: …

AD: Preferably both but you know how hard it is to find good staff these days.

(Snape chokes to death attempting to get the right words out to reply.)

AD: Therefore, I have no choice but to appoint the Defence Against the Dark Arts post - to Harry!

(Snape promptly revives.)

SS: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????

AD: I'm sorry but he's quite obviously the best candidate for the job.

SS: You .. Death …Painful …Potter …Job … Mine … Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Snape dances around the room in his colourful spandex squealing manically.) 

AD: Poor man…I do worry about him sometimes.


End file.
